peace. calm. serenity. relaxation. self-love. a sense of "oneness." playing it by ear. listening to yourself. seeing where the day takes you. turning a day of no motivation and a lack of inspiration into a night of focus and hard work. //

Wowie wow wow. Where do I even begin? I rolled out of bed this morning around noon (which was a much needed moment of self-love), and as soon as I woke up, I immediately began getting ready for what (little did I know) was going to be one of the most beautiful days I've ever experienced. //

Last night, my dad showed me this cool place he had found online, at which point we decided we should visit as soon as possible (just so you know, ASAP means the next day for us). So, I woke up this afternoon knowing that just as soon as I was done getting ready, we'd head out for Restoration Resources. Even though we didn't buy anything today, everything there is so unique and would be quite the addition to any home, so we do plan on going back. Plus, you can rent props from there, AND they have areas that you can rent for photography projects (Fall 2015 collection shoot? I think yes). I brought my camera and got some great shots there, and also on the ride home, so it was a successful trip. My sister then suggested we go to Blue Hills to see if we can spot any deer and/or take photographs of the Boston skyline. We decided it'd be best if we waited til dusk to do that, so we returned home for a bit. //

Next came the "low point" of my day (which truth be told wasn't even low at all). I sat in my room for a while, scrolling through the "astrology" tag on tumblr. I then realized that I want to be a productive human being, and that scrolling through such tags did not really fit the category of "productive." So, I googled a list of things to do when you're bored, and saw "CLEAN, it'll make you feel good." I didn't think that cleaning would make me feel good, but my room was a mess so I decided to do it anyway. I was pleasantly surprised at how energized and refreshed the cleaned room made me feel. My room is so pretty right now ahhhh! *insert heart eyes emoji*
While all this was happening, my dad was making us dinner (spaghetti w/ marinara sauce and garlic bread). I went down and ate, and then we all got ready to head out. //

Unfortunately, we didn't see any deer tonight, but the scenery and fresh air was enough to satisfy me. There's something about being in the stillness of nature that I have always loved, and getting to feel that today was a wonderful treat for my soul. We sat on this little brick wall for about a half hour, and then realized that we were all hungry af. We returned home, but only to go to the Clam Box, which is a little seafood place on the shore near where we live. We just got little appetizer things, like fries and mozzarella sticks.
I thought that the night was going to be over here, but on our way home, my dad asked "Do you guys want to go home or just take a drive?" Obviously, my sister and I wanted to take a ride around, so we just drove. There was no destination in mind. We cranked up the radio (which was playing classical piano pieces-- no hate plz it's very relaxing). I had no idea where we were, but there was a beach, and the sunset looked gorgeous over the water. So we got out, and my sister and I took photos of each other and the beach. We waded in the water. The water was warm. The waves were slow. You could feel the salt in the air. I loved the feeling of the sand between my toes. Everything was so simple. Everything felt so right. //

Finally, we realized it was almost 9:00, so we decided it'd be best to get home soon. We loaded ourselves into the car, and got less than a mile when my dad and I decided now would be a great time for coffee. We pulled over to the nearest Dunkin' Donuts (because Boston, ya know?) I got a small hot french vanilla coffee with skim milk, because it was getting kind of chilly outside, which most people would be upset about. But I love the cold. I like it when I get to wear sweaters and cute fuzzy socks. The crisp, cool air reminded me that fall is on it's way, putting a smile on my face. Though the ride home was silent between us all, I could feel the happiness of my family filling our entire car.

I am currently listening to the Dirty Dancing soundtrack on my record player, and reminiscing on the wonderful day I had, and all of the positive vibes that go along with it. I'm really happy right now. I seized the day, and made it something wonderful for myself. Carpe diem, bitch. //

pisces // dream house includes columns & potted plants

pisces // addicted to fairy lights & chocolate

I am not suicidal, and I do not particularly want to die at this point in time. I am not afraid of death, though, and I know that eventually, I will die like everyone else. Today I went exploring a Mt. Pleasant Cemetery in Dexter, ME, with my grandfather, and as we was walking around, he was telling me stories about the names I read. "So-and-so died this way," and "when Mrs. X was 10, she did this thing." Remembering both their life and death made me realize that death is, in fact, just another piece in the circle of life. It's just another part of living. So why then is it that we, as humans, fear death? //

If you're not religious, I can see how it's sad, since you believe that you'll never see that person again. If you are religious, you can hope you'll meet again in heaven, but even so, that within itself isn't guaranteed. Sometimes, people die in awful ways. Sometimes they're too young. Watching peoples' lives slip away can be so heartbreaking. I can see why humans view death as a bad thing, but it really shouldn't be seen as such. Death itself isn't bad, but rather, it's the way in which people die. When you really think about it and get down to the basics, death is quite beautiful. A creature gets to end it's time on this complex and sometimes very dark planet called Earth. They no longer feel pain; just peace. Finally, they are rewarded for making it through the most blessed and cursed gift on Earth (the gift of life.) I personally believe that no one is ever really gone, and that makes the idea of death a bit easier to grapple with. No matter what happens after death, we live on in the memories of others. Pieces of us are left littered all over the Earth, whether it be a tall tree we planted, or a pearl necklace we passed down through our family. I think that naturally, a person's energy lives on in the wind and the rain, even after their body is gone. //

While out in the cemetery, I also learned that instead of being cremated or chemically preserved, you can be composted after death. That's what I want. I want my body to be made into soil that can breathe life into another being. I want my body to be taken by a farmer, who will plant grass on me, and let his cows graze upon my back. I want the cows to eat from my harvest, and live happily. I want them to produce milk to feed the farmers young child and give her the calcium she needs to grow strong. And I want remains to be buried deep in the Earth, forming the infrastructure of a child's playground, or a community garden. When I'm dead and gone, not only do I want my energy to live on and breathe life into others, but I also want my physical body to help give life to something else. Death is just another part in the grand circle of life, and I want my existence after death to be natural and magical, as it should be. //

Photos from Mt. Pleasat Cemetery:

Recently some things have been going on that have made me sit back and think. It's so strange how one moment, things can be so so amazing that you feel invincible, and in the blink of an eye, you get the worst news of your life. I mean, it's insanity. It's crazy how quickly situations change, and just how deeply those changes affect the human mind. We stay up late worrying. We recount all the good things that happened, and replay them in our heads. When things get rough, we dwell in our own sorrows. We can often lose sight of things. "Things" like friends, family, and God. //

Sometimes, I just feel really really happy, and that's great. Happiness is the best emotion one can have. The problem isn't simply being happy, but it's taking things for granted because, I don't realize just how great things are. I've never really felt as though I've needed God as much as I do now. I've always been a Christian, always believed in a higher power, and gone to church every Sunday, but I would often forget to pray, or I'd just kind of shrug off the whole thing. I mean, I was happy. I didn't need to ask God for anything. So I didn't. Then all of a sudden, there were relationships and sexuality and drugs and death and other shitty things that come along with being a teenager. I ask God for help all the time. I feel weak. I want to give up my burdens, so I do.

I've realized that I've been treating God as nothing more than Santa Claus, or Jiminy Cricket, or a Fairy Godmother who I can just ask to give me things. I lean on God whenever things are going wrong, but for some reason when things are alright, I forget all about what it means to be a Christian. I'll make jokes about God. I'll deny my faith. And it's not okay. Ever.  //

I'm kind-of just having a lot of thoughts at the moment, and I'm not sure to word them in an eloquent way at all. I just feel such a sense of calm but also excitement at this revelation that I've come to. I want to continue growing in my spirituality, and so I guess this is sort of the start of a deeper path in life (?).

Things can go from 100 to 0 to 55 and back real quick, and that's just life. As long as God is in the center of it, there's nothing to worry about. //

~

And here's a song that kind of sparked my thoughts and will probably do a better job of conveying meaning than my mental hooplah on this blog:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-pxRXP3w-sQ
     "No one's laughing at God in a hospital, 
      No one's laughing at God in a war, 
     No one's laughing at God when they're starving 
     or freezing or so very poor."