Alright, this last week has been insanely long. Generally speaking, my life is pretty great. I don't have any problems with family life or friends. I have a good self-esteem. Although I generally have a dark disposition, I wouldn't call myself sad. I just have a lot of thoughts and a lot of feelings that quite often conflict with each other, and I often just cry because it's the easiest way to encompass all of said feelings. (Goddammit, hormones!) //

This week, the struggles have involved a tremendous lack of sleep, running 12-hour days, and stupid relationships:

         Lack of sleep: On Monday, I was at a Pentatonix concert (so not so much a struggle, but it still made me tired nonetheless.) On Tuesday, I had to babysit until 9:00 pm, and after that, I came home and had to finish some homework (I was in bed by 10:30, but I still hadn't fully recovered from Monday night). On Wednesday I just watched too many episodes of The Middle to try and relieve stress ok. Thursday and Friday were loooong days at rehearsal (like, 3:00-8:30 pm), which immediately followed the typical 7:45-2:30 pm school day.
        Running 12-hour days: I overestimate my ability to do things, and end up with a 4 hour long rehearsal followed by 3 hours of babysitting. Fuck.
        Stupid Relationships: Because of said scheduling, I don't have time for a relationship. At all. It sounds awful, but I just fill up my life with the things I love doing, and it makes me happy. Then those things and that happiness start to make me forget about other things, like people. And the longer we're apart, the less I miss them. The more time I put in to doing what I love and discovering myself, the less I feel a need to have other people. Which, again, sounds awful, but I promise I'm not an antisocial people-hater. I'm just so busy and there's so much I want to get done and accomplish. I want to start now so that in the future I'll know what it is I want, and I'll already be on my way to getting there. I seek adventure and spontaneity, not security in one person. Friends are good and rad and cool. I love my friends to pieces, but I'm not in a stable position to "romance." I'm human, and like other humans, I operate in a unique way, and I'm not at a good time to devote my time, my heart, and my life to one person. I'm not ready for that right now, and may be a long long time until I ever really am. I'd rather go explore culture in India, or be a part of the fashion scene in Milan, or take a 3 month trip to China, and that within itself is ok. 

I guess the problem is that I don't want to hurt anyone, but that ship has definitely already sailed. The longer I pretend to be in love and the longer I lie about seeing the future, the more pain I'll cause later. A break up is needed. I need to cut someone out of my life, not because there's anything wrong with them, but just because they deserve a girl who is at a level of comfort and security in herself and her life that I just don't have. And no one here is the "bad guy." There's no one to blame. We're both just being ourselves and following our dreams. For me, that's to move out and explore the large adventure that is life and seek excitement everyday, and for this other person, that's to lead a low-key life with another person and a cat in a Paris loft apartment. //

To sum up this whole post, I guess what I'm trying to say is that there's no need to stress yourself out over relationships. If it feels like a strain for any reason, it shouldn't continue. Don't be afraid to be honest. It's ok to break up for simply not being compatible. No one is the "bad guy." Life is just hard, and some things just aren't meant to be. I believe that things are going to get easier, and it'll be ok. In the wise words of my best friend Izzy, "High school is such a shit time for relationships, because everyone either sees you as a child or as an adult. So you find yourself in a childish relationship or one that's becoming too serious and you can't handle it. Once we're our and we're on our way to better things and really figuring out who we are and what we want to do, it will be easier." //

Do you ever have those days where you feel oddly motivated to change yourself and achieve goals and try to become a better person? You can't pinpoint why exactly you suddenly feel like those long-time-coming often-pushed-to-the-back-of-my-mind goals are resurfacing, but all you know is that you want to fulfill them once and for all. If you've felt this way before, then you can totally relate to me right now. //

The last two weeks have quite possibly been the longest two weeks of my life. Things that I did three days ago seem so distant, it feels like I could've done them three years ago. School has been brutal, and my closest friends have been going through some really difficult things as of late. Waking up and facing the day has been gross. Every day, I'd come home from rehearsal (shoutout to the theatre arts) being exhausted. The last couple weeks have kinda been "my goal is to just get through today" period.

For some reason though, today felt so very different. It may have been the fact that I didn't have to wake up til 9:15, so I was rested up. The first thing I did was drink a smoothie. Then I made a deposit at the bank and then got a coffee and donut from Dunkin Donuts. After that, my family and I went to the MFA in Boston, and I took a lot of photographs and learned about artists and fashion and photography and such topics. It was sunny and relatively warm (considering there's still 4 feet of snow on the ground). We then went to Boloco and then drove home. Once home, I literally just got so much work done. I finished application forms and writing thank you cards and writing cover letters and looking for jobs. Then I took a bath to unwind, and then ate some fruit, and now I guess that brings us up to this point, as I am writing this blog post. //

I think what I'm trying to say (maybe possibly), is that it takes the perfect blend of work and play to motivate me. Doing fun things gives me inspiration. The art tells me stories. Taking long baths gives me time to think, and learn by myself. Lunch with the family lets me get closer to those I care about. I can compare the stories of others to my own, and really think about what I want and what I believe.  Getting important things done-- accomplishing "adult" tasks-- seems to motivate me to do more; to be better. Seeing the small successes in front of my eyes is satisfying, and I want that satisfied feeling to last forever.

So, as of today, I promise myself I will be healthier. I will be more open to others. I will find a job. I will work hard. I will be more self-motivated in school work. I will practice good time management. I will practice good financial habits. I will clean my room more often. I will do more chores around the house. I will go outside more (assuming there is not 6 feet of snow on the ground.) I will try to be more patient. I will laugh more. I will love more.
         and even if I fail, I'll keep trying, and eventually I will become the person I aspire to be. // 

Recently some things have been going on that have made me sit back and think. It's so strange how one moment, things can be so so amazing that you feel invincible, and in the blink of an eye, you get the worst news of your life. I mean, it's insanity. It's crazy how quickly situations change, and just how deeply those changes affect the human mind. We stay up late worrying. We recount all the good things that happened, and replay them in our heads. When things get rough, we dwell in our own sorrows. We can often lose sight of things. "Things" like friends, family, and God. //

Sometimes, I just feel really really happy, and that's great. Happiness is the best emotion one can have. The problem isn't simply being happy, but it's taking things for granted because, I don't realize just how great things are. I've never really felt as though I've needed God as much as I do now. I've always been a Christian, always believed in a higher power, and gone to church every Sunday, but I would often forget to pray, or I'd just kind of shrug off the whole thing. I mean, I was happy. I didn't need to ask God for anything. So I didn't. Then all of a sudden, there were relationships and sexuality and drugs and death and other shitty things that come along with being a teenager. I ask God for help all the time. I feel weak. I want to give up my burdens, so I do.

I've realized that I've been treating God as nothing more than Santa Claus, or Jiminy Cricket, or a Fairy Godmother who I can just ask to give me things. I lean on God whenever things are going wrong, but for some reason when things are alright, I forget all about what it means to be a Christian. I'll make jokes about God. I'll deny my faith. And it's not okay. Ever.  //

I'm kind-of just having a lot of thoughts at the moment, and I'm not sure to word them in an eloquent way at all. I just feel such a sense of calm but also excitement at this revelation that I've come to. I want to continue growing in my spirituality, and so I guess this is sort of the start of a deeper path in life (?).

Things can go from 100 to 0 to 55 and back real quick, and that's just life. As long as God is in the center of it, there's nothing to worry about. //

~

And here's a song that kind of sparked my thoughts and will probably do a better job of conveying meaning than my mental hooplah on this blog:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-pxRXP3w-sQ
     "No one's laughing at God in a hospital, 
      No one's laughing at God in a war, 
     No one's laughing at God when they're starving 
     or freezing or so very poor."