Alright, this last week has been insanely long. Generally speaking, my life is pretty great. I don't have any problems with family life or friends. I have a good self-esteem. Although I generally have a dark disposition, I wouldn't call myself sad. I just have a lot of thoughts and a lot of feelings that quite often conflict with each other, and I often just cry because it's the easiest way to encompass all of said feelings. (Goddammit, hormones!) //
This week, the struggles have involved a tremendous lack of sleep, running 12-hour days, and stupid relationships:
Lack of sleep: On Monday, I was at a Pentatonix concert (so not so much a struggle, but it still made me tired nonetheless.) On Tuesday, I had to babysit until 9:00 pm, and after that, I came home and had to finish some homework (I was in bed by 10:30, but I still hadn't fully recovered from Monday night). On Wednesday I just watched too many episodes of The Middle to try and relieve stress ok. Thursday and Friday were loooong days at rehearsal (like, 3:00-8:30 pm), which immediately followed the typical 7:45-2:30 pm school day.
Running 12-hour days: I overestimate my ability to do things, and end up with a 4 hour long rehearsal followed by 3 hours of babysitting. Fuck.
Stupid Relationships: Because of said scheduling, I don't have time for a relationship. At all. It sounds awful, but I just fill up my life with the things I love doing, and it makes me happy. Then those things and that happiness start to make me forget about other things, like people. And the longer we're apart, the less I miss them. The more time I put in to doing what I love and discovering myself, the less I feel a need to have other people. Which, again, sounds awful, but I promise I'm not an antisocial people-hater. I'm just so busy and there's so much I want to get done and accomplish. I want to start now so that in the future I'll know what it is I want, and I'll already be on my way to getting there. I seek adventure and spontaneity, not security in one person. Friends are good and rad and cool. I love my friends to pieces, but I'm not in a stable position to "romance." I'm human, and like other humans, I operate in a unique way, and I'm not at a good time to devote my time, my heart, and my life to one person. I'm not ready for that right now, and may be a long long time until I ever really am. I'd rather go explore culture in India, or be a part of the fashion scene in Milan, or take a 3 month trip to China, and that within itself is ok.
I guess the problem is that I don't want to hurt anyone, but that ship has definitely already sailed. The longer I pretend to be in love and the longer I lie about seeing the future, the more pain I'll cause later. A break up is needed. I need to cut someone out of my life, not because there's anything wrong with them, but just because they deserve a girl who is at a level of comfort and security in herself and her life that I just don't have. And no one here is the "bad guy." There's no one to blame. We're both just being ourselves and following our dreams. For me, that's to move out and explore the large adventure that is life and seek excitement everyday, and for this other person, that's to lead a low-key life with another person and a cat in a Paris loft apartment. //
To sum up this whole post, I guess what I'm trying to say is that there's no need to stress yourself out over relationships. If it feels like a strain for any reason, it shouldn't continue. Don't be afraid to be honest. It's ok to break up for simply not being compatible. No one is the "bad guy." Life is just hard, and some things just aren't meant to be. I believe that things are going to get easier, and it'll be ok. In the wise words of my best friend Izzy, "High school is such a shit time for relationships, because everyone either sees you as a child or as an adult. So you find yourself in a childish relationship or one that's becoming too serious and you can't handle it. Once we're our and we're on our way to better things and really figuring out who we are and what we want to do, it will be easier." //
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